Monday, November 16, 2015.

these couple of days are kinda... off. i fell into this bubble again. the depression bubble. i'm sad, i'm helpless, i'm tired, i'm angry, i'm lonely, i'm broken, i'm messed up, i'm lost.

and all of the sudden this song just popped out of nowhere on my youtube feed, it's by Sara Bareilles and the name of the song is She Used To Be Mine. i, cried so hard.. it hits me right in the heart. how related i am to the song, how the song really describes what i've been feeling lately. it succeeded in really describing the feelings ive been holding these past few days. 

It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be

i would describe myself as someone that's in love being in love. i crave the love that i watch often on romcoms, i crave a love like the ones they have on Nicholas Sparks' books. i crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous. but as time passes by, i've come to realised, that the love i craved so deeply, isn't that amazing after all. it freaking hurts. now i know how Noah felt when Allie left him.. now i know how Savannah felt when John left her.. and now i finally know how Logan felt when he had to leave Beth.. how hurtful it must be for him.. how heart breaking it must have been for him.. why did i crave a love that deep? why did i crave a love so hurtful?

She is broken and won't ask for help

i've never been the kind of person that likes to talk about her feelings to other people, i'm not the kind of person that tells you the truth when you ask "how are you?". i'm the type of person that straight up lie "i'm okay". i don't want to bother people with my problems. i don't want to sound whiney.. it may not be good for my psychological well being, you know, not telling people about my problems. but, explaining them what's going on, and really giving them the details about all the stuff i'm feeling, is just making me more sad.. and it'll remind me on all of the scars. 

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

i wanted to be the old bubbly me, the positive me, the never stop laughing me. the clumsy me. i want my old self back. take it, take these bubbles from me. i want to live a happier life. i want to be positive.. but these negative thoughts just wont leave me alone, no matter what i do to try and get back to the old me.. the negative thoughts, the bubbles, they always win. maybe i'm not strong enough, or maybe deep down inside, i prefer being inside this darkness.. it scares me to think like so.. but what if that's really the case?

She is gone but she used to be mine

Turkey 2014

lets start this post by saying that Turkey is hands down, one of the best countries i've ever been to.

the first one goes to New Zealand (ofcourse). Turkey's beautiful, the food was really good aswell, and the people.. and by people, i mean... mostly guys ARE HAWWWWWT. spent almost 2 weeks there, and enjoyed every minute, every hour, every day of it. and that really means something right?

first stop was Bursa, this post will actually be in a random order. i don't fully trust my weak memory, but i'm pretty sure that Bursa was our first stop. we went shopping and all. it was a nice sunny day, not humid. just sunny. 

have i told you that my fav part of the whole trip was me hopping on to a hot air balloon?? OH MY GOD. it was such a rush! i'm scared of height but that fear just wooooshed, went away just like that when i saw the view! the view was INCREDIBLE, the word incredible is maybe not enough to describe how beautiful and amazing the view was. my choice of bottom was a lil bit of a fail though, i wore a SKIRT, which i regrettttttttttt very very much cause i didnt know that the wind was going to be that strong and all. typical foolish me. we celebrated at the end with a glass of "champagne". wasnt a real champagne though, it was only an apple juice. so do not fret and do not attack me with a bunch of stupid and mean comments regarding it. 

oh hiiiiiiii, just a quick ootd to post on instagram. felt the need to do so even tho no one even currrrrrrrrs. wore a turkish hijab that i bought at bursa, omg seriously though? no one have ever mentioned that their hijab quality are UHMAZEBALLSSSS. they're really easy to be styled. but my main issue was that it gets all wrinkly so fast. i had to iron it every morning which i usually dont do with my other hijabs. aint nobody got time to iron a scarf when you're basically travelling. am i right? or is it just me and my lazy ass habit that hardly goes away:(

we also went to Lake Tuz. another moment where my jaw dropped. looks like a dessert at first, but nope, it's not. it's A LAKE ladies and gents, a LAKE. where's the water you ask? well that, actually a question that popped out of my head the first time i saw it. but yeah, you'll see the water when you actually walk further and further. i didnt' have time to walk further cause i had to go somewhere else. but did you know, that Lake Tuz is one of the largest hypersaline lakes in the world?

this reminded me of those days in the UK, you know the guard standing and that he's not allowed to move even a bit? he did move though. he even winked at my lil sis! which i was so jealous of, i mean like cmon. i was determined to get atleast one wink from that guy, but nope. stood in front of him for almost half an hour and that guy didn't wink even once! it was like a competition of mine and my lil sis to get as many winks as we can get. so we moved on to another guard (picture is not shown here) and did i mention all those guards there are very very very good looking? ugh i can't. so we moved on, and found another guard, stood there for half an hour. he did not winked to any of us so we were like "okay this is getting lame, i'm tired lets go". i wasnt quite sure of where these pic were taken. i totally forgot to be exact, was it the museum though? i'm pretty sure it was a museum, correct me if i'm wrong. i have a weak memory pls don't blame me. 

the next day we went to Ephesus, one of the most well known place in Turkey. it's good to know all the history and all the interesting facts that the place got. the place somehow reminded me of the movie pompeii. idk why. the name ust popped out of nowhere. if you're wondering about Ephesus, it was an ancient  greek city. it was built in the 10th century BC on the site of the former Arzawan capital Attic and Ionian Greek colonists. and Ephesus is also one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. it took us almost a day to explore Ephesus.

ended the day with us watching the sun sets in Pamukkale (which means Cotton Castle in Turkish) had to take our shoes of, and i had to roll my jeans cause they have this amazing hot springs water. it was warm, perfect for the breezy afternoon. and the view was also amazing, i mean Turkey has loads of amazing sites. and Pamukkale gotta be one of em. 

our last day contains visiting the Blue Mosque and i get to pray there which was such an amazing feeling. to perform a shalat there, was one of my dreams. we also did a lil bit shopping. oh, who am i kidding. we did LOADS of shopping. went to grand bazzaar which unfortunately i didnt take pictures of cause i was too busy looking for stuff. bought some great stuff in such a bargain! my mom bought lots of platings with crazy prices, what i mean by crazy is.. crazy expensive! my god! i was like "if i were you i'd rather buy me some kate spade bags eh". but she looked happy and is still regretting (up til now) that she didn't buy dozens of em. like whutttt. 

after that exciting day of shopping, we head back to Indonesia. there were some stuff happened so the flight got cancelled, but we managed to get another flight by Turkish Airlines, which i have to say.. BEST SERVICE EVER!!!! Turkish Airlines is the best. like literally. not even exaggerating. IT IS the best. i thought Qatar was the best, but nope. changed my mind. 

me and my sis ate a lot on board it's not even funny. they gave us tons of Godiva chocolates which ohmygod it has become one of my fav chocolates ever! the next time i come to Turkey, will deffo fly with Turkish Airlines. the flight home was like a cherry on top of our amazing travel to Turkey! once again, i am not exaggerating!

cheers to many more overseas travel to come!

2015 - I'm Back!

so one of my 2015 resolutions is to be back into the blogging thang. i think it will be fun to be sharing little bits of my life, and my clothes, my passion, my work here. but this time, with no pressure. so enjoy!