Monday, November 16, 2015.

these couple of days are kinda... off. i fell into this bubble again. the depression bubble. i'm sad, i'm helpless, i'm tired, i'm angry, i'm lonely, i'm broken, i'm messed up, i'm lost.

and all of the sudden this song just popped out of nowhere on my youtube feed, it's by Sara Bareilles and the name of the song is She Used To Be Mine. i, cried so hard.. it hits me right in the heart. how related i am to the song, how the song really describes what i've been feeling lately. it succeeded in really describing the feelings ive been holding these past few days. 

It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be

i would describe myself as someone that's in love being in love. i crave the love that i watch often on romcoms, i crave a love like the ones they have on Nicholas Sparks' books. i crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous. but as time passes by, i've come to realised, that the love i craved so deeply, isn't that amazing after all. it freaking hurts. now i know how Noah felt when Allie left him.. now i know how Savannah felt when John left her.. and now i finally know how Logan felt when he had to leave Beth.. how hurtful it must be for him.. how heart breaking it must have been for him.. why did i crave a love that deep? why did i crave a love so hurtful?

She is broken and won't ask for help

i've never been the kind of person that likes to talk about her feelings to other people, i'm not the kind of person that tells you the truth when you ask "how are you?". i'm the type of person that straight up lie "i'm okay". i don't want to bother people with my problems. i don't want to sound whiney.. it may not be good for my psychological well being, you know, not telling people about my problems. but, explaining them what's going on, and really giving them the details about all the stuff i'm feeling, is just making me more sad.. and it'll remind me on all of the scars. 

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

i wanted to be the old bubbly me, the positive me, the never stop laughing me. the clumsy me. i want my old self back. take it, take these bubbles from me. i want to live a happier life. i want to be positive.. but these negative thoughts just wont leave me alone, no matter what i do to try and get back to the old me.. the negative thoughts, the bubbles, they always win. maybe i'm not strong enough, or maybe deep down inside, i prefer being inside this darkness.. it scares me to think like so.. but what if that's really the case?

She is gone but she used to be mine